I passed!!

Well, after a long day, I am glad to share that I officially passed my dissertation proposal defense. I have to make revisions, which is typical. I have never hear of someone who didn't have to make revisions. Good news is that there is nothing major, but it will take some work. I am planning on doing it over the holidays...in my spare time. I am very excited and planning on drinking tomorrow evening with my friends to celebrate.

Another Unbelievable Bush Quote

Bush: Iraq violence part of Al-Qaida plot

TALLINN, Estonia - President Bush said Tuesday that the sectarian violence rocking Iraq is part of an al-Qaida plot to goad Iraqi factions into repeated attacks and counterattacks.

This reminds me of Helter Skelter. If you have read the book and are familiar with Charles Manson's tactics, he believed the killings he and his cult carried out were going to help in his bigger plot to start a race riot. He believed people would see rich white people dying and automatically assume it could automatically be contributed to African-Americans. Nobody fell for it. With Bush, I swear, he probably is linking Al-Qaida to his daughter's purse being stolen. Part of a bigger plot. Geez.

Dating and Lies

There seem to be many meanings out of dating or in relationships where people are not exactly forthright or honest. So, question. I wonder what it means to be told from someone that you are interested in dating that they are not ready to date anyone, even though they have been asked out multiple times, by different women and offered dates, dinner, and travel. So, they say they are not interested in any of that and getting over a past relationship, yet, at the same time put up their profile up on match.com. What does that mean? I don't think I am a dense person, but what that says to me is the real message I should be receiving is..."I am not interested in dating you Shalane." Anyone else have a perspective they could offer? I would like to think I can read between the lines and I don't see any other way to read this. Additional possibilities and insights welcomed.

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned

I always thought this an interesting little quote. I came across a website that shares a little more about its origins and the accurate quote. I would like to think that I am "above" the resentments that come with being "scorned," however, I can understand the hurt and ire that comes with it as well.

Accusations

I pride myself on being a person that can take accountability for those things that I have done. In the past I allowed myself to also take responsibility for things other people did or felt. I no longer do that, but however bad things may look or however egregious the act, I do and will step up when either the credit or the blame is doled out. However, all this to say that one of the things in this life that would end up giving me an ulcer or at least frustrating (okay, angering) the hell out of me is to be accused of something I have not done. I hate it and want to scream. Now there are some things that I have been accused of in my life that I have not done. Some minor, some major, but regardless of the severity of such an infraction of our moral principles, no matter how minor, I HATE being accused of something that is not mine to own. So, where does this come from? Why would I even bring it up? I was told today that I forwarded an e-mail to someone when I didn't. Maybe the person who is apparently angry at me is because they feel the need to have something to be angry at me for? The lack of communication that usually follows something like this is another perplexing thing to me. I think people rather assume they are right and hold onto their resentments rather than communicate and get to the truth. Let's talk about it doesn't seem to work when you are the only one doing the talking.

So, for those near and dear to me, feel free to confront me, accuse me, whatever, but just know that you might be wrong on your assumption or even belief and not clearing it up with me is more damaging to our relationship then just about anything else.

Wild at Heart

I have been reading this book, Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. It is a book that is supposed to be about a man's soul, however, I have found that much of what he writes applies to me too. So, does that mean I am secretly a man trapped in a woman's body? No. A more simplistic and realistic response would be that many of the ideas he presents are universal. Things that transcend male/female boundaries as well as cultural boundaries and religious constructs. His writing is grounded in Christianity and where he sees the connection, back to Adam and Eve. I can see how he sees such a parallel, but I am sure that we can take almost any psychological perspective into the human mind and behavior and tie it back to almost any religious text. As a friend has told me time and again, we see what we want to see.

Okay, all this to share some passages that struck me. Things that I felt were quotable. In one passage he talks about "An Adventure to Live" and talks about jumping off a cliff into the water. The exhiliration that rushes over you. He says, "I want to live my whole life like that. I want to love with much more abandon and stop waiting for others to love me first." Then he goes on to say, "Life is not a problem to be solved, it is an adventure to be lived." Later he quotes author Gil Bailie:
"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

Wow! That is how I want to live my life and posted this because I may need a reminder from time to time. It reminds me of one of my favorite lines from a movie, Adaptation written by Charlie Kaufman and starring in a double role Nicholas Cage: You are what you love, not what loves you. To love without expectation that you will be loved back is so difficult at times, but this is so true that you don't have to get it back to give it. We are defined by what we choose to give, not what we get. I think of how much we measure a person by what they get in return. How much money they make, attention they receive (famous people), things they own, etc. I am no different, but I want to be. To love and live without abandon, to come alive and not waiting until things are perfect or everything falls in place. Hmm, what a concept. How does that become an actionable reality?

Nothing much...just random thoughts and life happenings

Well, yesterday I finished my dissertation proposal to be defended at the end of the month. Big step toward finally finishing this degree. Then comes the challenge of writing the actual dissertation and ALL the hoops that I will jump through to get to the end. I remind myself, "one step at a time." It is tough when the rise on each step seems more like a mountain and your legs are not nearly long enough.

I attended a course this weekend called "All the World's a Stage" and found it to be illuminating. I could have chosen to go many different ways with the course, but chose to expose some long standing beliefs I have had around what it means for a woman to be sensual and sexy. I have had it that to even try to be that way keeps a woman from having female friends and men will only objectify those women and never respect them. Boy, is that screwed up? These were some hidden beliefs I had. It was amazing to see in my last quasi-relationship how I could make myself vulnerable by expressing my own self more fully. Unfortunately, that relationship didn't work out, but I liked myself more when I was able to be me and not hide out. I learned a great deal from that relationship...still am as I learn to let go of it and create what I want in my life. Scary too as I continually ask myself, "What if?" I just know that in many aspects I am an all or none type person and I cannot have a taste of something wonderful without wanting more, so "hold on loosely" does not apply to me, no matter how much I might try. I rather grip onto something and hold it carefully, lovingly, and firmly.

Wondering why in the heck the gas prices fell so drastically then immediately rose after the election results were in? Wondering why Bush really did wait to get rid of Rumsfeld? Wondering when the war will be over? Wondering when the genocide will stop in Darfur and if we will step forward to help out? Guessing not since there is no oil or anything to "gain." Wondering when I am going to stop reading about senseless murders at the hands of family members, people you are suppose to be able to trust? Is anything really that bad?

Shopping

There really is something to the high I get from shopping--I guess referred to as "shop therapy." I have known since Sunday I needed to go shopping. Yes, need...needing a boost. Am I addicted? No, I don't do it that often, but it is like most things in my life, when I get a hankering for it, I must do it or I obsess over it. This need usually comes when I am feeling a void. Sadly, it doesn't satisfy it longterm, but it is like a drug or eating bad food, it does satisfy and numb for a while. On top of that, I got some really cute clothes and I temporarily found some happiness. I think I will find more pleasure in wearing the clothes though.

So, why did I feel the need to go? Feeling sad and wanted a boost, time alone to think. I have a semi-formal event to go to the day after Thanksgiving and I initially went to find something for that. I really have a couple dresses in my closet that I have never worn, but it sure is a good excuse to go anyway. I didn't end up with a dress, but seeing what is out there makes the dresses I have look much better.

There were a couple observations I made:
1. Go dressed up to go shopping
2. Go during a weekday...daytime...if you can

I have found that less people shop during this time and if you look nice, sales people are more apt to help you out. Although, having a slow day also helps them want to assist you. What is more boring than sitting around at work all day just rearranging the racks of clothes? Rhetorical question, really.

Although, I have always wondered the following things about clothes:
1. When do you know when you have enough clothes?
2. How often should I clean out my closet and the clothes I don't wear too often?
3. Why do most clothes now have some sort of spandex in them?
4. Are there any clothes made in America anymore?

I am practicing being full of questions and not answers.

Inspiration

I have thought many times how fortunate I am to have a healthy and happy son. Then this morning listening to NPR and hearing about how many Americans do not have health insurance (estimated at 46 million), I just sank. Medical bills are the number one cause for bankruptcy in this country and the fastest growing area of those without medical insurance are middle class Americans (which BTW is decreasing in populations). I happen to be one of these people, which scares me for not just myself, but for Thatcher.

Any who, my friend Paula Williams sent this link, which was sent to her by Sharon Hoover, about a story that I think was featured at one point on Dateline NBC. It is inspirational and goes to show what a parent will do for their child. I think many of us believe that we could never do this, and what a wonderful person this man is to love his son so much. I believe that when faced with the situation, many of us would do something similar and not just "accept" what doctors or others have told us. I also believe we never truly rise to our best until we are given the choice to do so. Rick's story

Irak picture

My friend sent me this picture, and I had to laugh. I will let her claim it if she wants. I thought it was funny. Ah, the wonderful humor. In light of my last post, I think this just goes to show how little sound bites are exploded into something different. I personally don't think the soldiers in our military are stupid, but God knows I came across my share of below average people in the military. Just another cross-section of our society as a whole though. Again, not a black and white issue. There are many reasons why people join the military. I just wonder why we take such situations and make them into such a political issue to only further polarize our country just to serve the left or right agenda. Is there another option? It is all so much more complex then to have only two options.

Military Service Dilemma

I just read an article about a soldier going AWOL after being told he would have to return to Iraq and find myself angry. Yes, angry...not a feeling I typically claim. So, what am I angry about? I am angry that we do not allow for conscientious dissent or objectors to the war. I think of any war that we have had throughout history and many times we have seen a "good" and a "bad" side to it. One side is right and just, while the other is evil and wrong. First of all, is it that easy to categorize people and their belief structures? To label a whole race or country? Second, why should we be forced to fight for something we don't believe in? Aren't you then a prisoner of your own system, your own government? We seem to hail the military as a group that is fighting for our rights as Americans and forget that those who are fighting ultimately have no rights. They have no right to object, to NOT follow what they are told. Then, at times, when they do follow it, they are told they should not have followed certain orders. Look at Abu Ghraib prison "scandal." How many of those soldiers were possibly just following orders. What about Guantanamo Bay? You have to wonder how someone can allow abuses of other human beings and not be a little off their rocker. Okay, I know this probably upsets people because it seems unpatriotic, but as an American I have a right to have my own thoughts and opinions, and therefore live my life the way I see fit. Too bad we do not extend that right to our own soldiers.

Okay, I digress, back to my point about why I am angry. I think of WWII, probably the most publicized and understood war in our history. So, would we have blamed German soldiers who objected to Hitler's demands or orders? Would we have called them a hero? Would we have applauded them standing up for human decency, even in the face of possible persecution themselves? Yet, we cannot seem to extend such to our own soldiers? Hmm, seems wrong here. How can we take a pre-emptive strike against a country that we have no right to have invaded in the first place, then call it just? If we want to take some moral ground for what Saddam was doing to the people in that country, then why haven't we invaded Darfur instead? Aren't the atrocities happening in that country far worse than what Saddam ever did? The mass murdering of innocent men, women and children? In my opinion, we need to take a step back and really look at our own involvement in this Iraq war and take it the context of our wider involvement with other countries. If we are going to pretend to be the world's police, then shouldn't we show some discernment about what that looks like? Here people are in Iraq, some willing and wanting because they believe they are fighting for a cause. Some do not want to be there because they have objection to it...for whatever reason. For those who want to be there, I am sorry, but I feel our government has lied to them, their commanders have lied to them. How else could they get people to buy into fighting this war if they didn't tie it to "terrorism" and 9/11? Unfortunately what we are doing, as a result of our government's decision to go to war, is only creating chaos and more fuel for terrorists fight.

Right now there are many thoughts I have going through my head in light of the recent John Kerry remarks concerning our soldiers. I know my stance on that would not be a popular one. As someone who worked with the military, grew up in a military town, and married someone who was in the military, I would like to think that I have at least some insight, or at least enough perspective to form a relatively intelligent opinion about this whole mess. Truth be told that yes, many people wanted to join the military because they felt it was patriotic or the right thing to do. However, nobody should fool themselves into thinking that is true for everyone. I would venture to say that most people that join the military as NCOs is because they feel they have no other real options. They want an education and don't see another way for obtaining it; or they need some stability, which the socialist structure of the military offers; or they have a family they need to support and the benefits (meaning health care--although shoddy--etc.) are attractive. So, how do I know this? I used to ask every single person I taught in the military about why they joined. I also used to ask those I knew living in San Antonio. My own informal survey, but only a couple people throughout my years have first and foremost declared patriotism as the reason for joining. BTW, that is part of what the induction period of "basic training" instills in people. On another note, recruiters have to convince and lie many times by painting a rosy picture. Also, recently to meet recruitment numbers, all branches of the military have reduced the acceptable scores for people to join. If they told the truth, I think that people wouldn't join. I remember many new recruits regretting their decision and being stuck with it for four or five more years, based on their signing agreement. Now, because of the dwindling numbers of recruits, people are not allowed to leave when their time is up. They are then forced to continue to serve "their country." I put that in quotes because I see it as really serving a government that has their own agenda other than what is in the best interest of its citizens.

Okay, I have spent more time on this then intended. I do realize that people have family members or friends that might have a different perspective. My point exactly, there are many different perspectives and we cannot be a people who paints a picture as black and white. There are many derivations of gray. It is too complex a situation to put into a box, but I do believe this administration has done just that. To be against the war and this administration does not for me equate to being against the soldiers who are putting their lives on the line. I do think that if it were me over in Iraq, I would have to lie to myself and buy into some belief that what I was doing was okay, otherwise I would have to run or go crazy. So, are we a country that will allow for conscientious disserters or not? Apparently not.

Any comments, thoughts or even dissention, welcomed. This is a country of free speech, or so we say...and there is the invitation to disagee. I am willing to be influenced...